Saturday, June 11, 2011

i didn't want in your stupid club house anyway

tonight is one of those evenings where i am feeling like a grumpy child, to tired of waiting and expectations. i feel my internal child gearing up to throw a massive all out fit because she want's so badly to  get in the door of this clubhouse where all the 'cool kids' are finger painting and playing music and whatnot. but the timing is off and just as she has shown up it's time for everyone else to go home. and they keep telling her that yeah i totally want to play with you and mommy is saying just be a nice girl and share the toys and they'll come around. but my inner child is sitting there remembering the last time she was told that and how instead of coming around and playing with her the little boy threw dirt in her face, stuck out his tongue at her and called her stupid. and mommy told her that's just how boys are...really honey he likes you he just doesn't know how to tell you that. but the girl in her guts knows that it is a bullshit line and that the boy didn't want to play with her and now she is really afraid that every boy is going to mean and she doesn't like she wants to scream and yell and make noise and stop playing the game and preemptively say "well you and your club are stupid and who wants to come in anyway...and the point wasn't to get inspiration from you but to play you you throw down the latter and let me in and realize that i know how to do things like make playdough and sprinkle fairydust that really makes you fly and make the scary monsters in the corner be nice or else." but nooo you missed that memo and now i am stuck here wanting to break everything in sight and cry my eyes out.

so yeah over all tonight i feel like a child who just needs to cry until the tears run dry and yell until she has no voice because this waiting, being open, go with the flow, it's all in the timing thing really really sucks! why can't you just open the damned door and let me in!

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