Saturday, June 04, 2011

sitting by the sidelines cheering

once again it seems that i am a season of my life where all my friends in relationships are getting married. this summer i currently have two wedding that i am heading up to seattle for, a new godchild that i will fly to the south to greet in the fall and another friend who got engaged last night. i look around and see my friends transiting into these new spheres of life. on one hand i can honestly say that i am not ready for those life changes, currently my biggest worries are paying bills and passing my finals and praying that my car doesn't decide to crap out again at least for the next several months. yet there is part of me that wonders where and if i will have that season in my life. as my old professor used to talk about adam naming the animals in genesis and wonder "am i for the hippo? who am i created for?" i have that question sitting in the back of my head.

you see i spent my twenties watching my friend shuffle through good and bad relationships and marriages, while i sat on the sidelines wanting to play but not knowing how.  relationships were that thing that happened to everyone but me. i also spent my time raising other peoples children, some incredible and some that were the best form of birth-control a girl could ask for not that there was a real need for every one said what a good mom i would be and it just made the lonely dateless girl that i was hate herself more. because i wanted to be with someone who i could see having children with and there was just not anyone there whenever something came on the horizon it went horribly of my most constant desires since i was under ten was to have a lover and partner.

 by the time i moved down here last year i was completely burnt out from children, and then i worked for one of the hardest jobs i have ever had. that sealed the deal i never wanted to nanny ever again.  i was done with children and seriously hit the point where i couldn't imagine even in the future having them i was so done. and now here i am several months later being given the chance to nanny for just a few weeks for one of the children i worked with last year. for the first time in a long while spending time with this creative and silly little man didn't turn me off to the idea of having children. in fact i realized that i could maybe think about being a mom or even a nanny again and i didn't want to immediately run for the liquor and cigarettes!

so i find once again i am watching others going through their season changes...yet this time i am just allowing my self to be honest with all the crazy emotions that come up with that. and i am truly happy for all of my friends! it's incredible to watch people get what they wanted for so long and such a great gift to celebrate that blessing with them.

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