blackbird friends and dogs are stalking me these days, maybe i am just chasing ghosts or being chased by them i don't know. this i do know, my heart aches a bit and my head is tired of trying to untie knots i didn't create and can't understand. so instead i go back to old patterns and habits. replacing kisses with cigarettes and beer and bread, hands with poetry and music and unsent letters just to remove the chaos from my head. the brushes and canvas keep calling my name, reminding me of the relief they offer in the kinetic movements and unleashing the wilds of my head. tomorrow i will in the silence of an empty house paint out the confusion and lies running and doing back flips through my mind. doubts cloud every image i have and i can't hold the reality of truth it slips like liquid in my hands. they are incapable of holding it anymore. my senses memory are still overwhelmed by scents and images and desires but my brain is running scared and wild like a caged dog. fir up and on guard she hits her self with every thing in the arsenal for letting the guard down and risking harm. habits and comforts are not working this time around the bend...back to rooting, back to trusting, back to faith, and music and words i must go. exorcise those demons, of pain and regrets the harbingers of depression and self-hatred.