this was further confirmed for me when i got to visit with some of the children i nannied for in seattle. it has been a lovely gift to still participate in their lives even after i was no longer their nanny. i love these children very much.
so as i am looking to get things in order, the first being a job, i am going back to nannying...until i can get a job in my field or until shiloh and i start making some money with the film work we are doing. the process of getting a job is an action of accepting the fact that i am becoming more of an adult and that is the ability to take care of my self and possibly others. plus getting a job means paying off debt, paying rent, and actually saving money instead of living check to check. getting a job also means creating space to create because i am able to support myself which removes stress so that the free time i have can actually go to creative adventures instead of stress.
the next two things on the list after procuring a job: getting film stuff up and running and getting a place to live that is closer to school and los angeles.
as i look to this process i am so very thankful for my california family and their love and support...but i also am excited to have a place again with all of my books and art and whatnot! plus it will be fun to share a place with shiloh. it has been a year and a half since i have lived in an apartment/house that wasn't family but my own. there are good things to both...and once again i LOVE my family here and our living situation!
i guess what the underlying aspect for me, is the reality that i might actually feel like a responsible adult...which means that the idea of having a long term relationship and a child doesn't seem like such an impossibility. the closer i get to feeling both the wonder of doing the things i love and getting my ducks in a row the closer i feel to getting the things i never thought i would have in my life. and that is exciting indeed...granted i still have 2-5 yrs left of school, before i will be ready for anything like marriage or children.