Sunday, July 17, 2011

speaking is hard today

words and the means to expressing what i mean escape me some days...and today is one of those. i feel like nothing i can say is write or communicates what i am trying to really say or the care in which it is offered. being misunderstood is like being a child again watching the rage mounting in my father knowing that nothing i can say rational or irrational will make any difference because he has hit that point in which he can't hear me and my best bet is to go in my room and hide. 

to not be able to truly say what i mean drives me mad...it's hearkens to ex's and friends who never understood me but knew me well...so they thought they knew what i was saying when really they didn't.

often my best friend and i still have those moments where we have to work at clarifying what is *actually* meant by what the other is saying because baggage and old hurts are blocking the path....

i didn't speak for years i couldn't or wouldn't let my heart and truth escape out of my mouth, in blocking my words i blocked myself my essence. i kept my words bottled up because they might lead to being left and the realization that the people i cared about didn't care about me as much as i cared about them. i am still afraid that both of these will happen...that the care and love i think i have is conditional and based on my behavior. that's how i was raise to some extent...the idea of grace and unconditional love were given lip service but i didn't really see them in action. i spent my childhood in fear of doing something wrong that would disappoint most of my family and lead to the hard earned trickles of love and care. not all of my family is like this but enough people on either side that it has lead to that feeling of crazy for me. and two of  the few people who i knew loved me unconditionally are gone. 

so now when i do speak i have a hard time not walking in apologizing or taking it all back because i am afraid that the person i choose to speak to will turn and walk away from me.



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