i've been reading through resources on sexuality and faith in preparation for writing a research paper on the topic...doing all of this writing has got me thinking about many things in regard to these subjects. something that has been unearthed is the idea of the interplay between rejection and desire. as a woman who has grown up in a culture where my value and worth is often perceived to be equal to the amount of desire that men have for me...i have experienced a lot of rejection. and while part of me would rage against this idea that one should seek said desire i also know that without feeling desirable there is part of me as a woman that is blocked off and hides away my strength and power. my beauty was intended to be seen and drawn out by the bold strength and goodness of men, at the core of relational dynamics there is a key element that draws out the beauty and strength of a woman when she is loved and desired well. when this is not present or leaves there can be, unless she is very rooted and grounded in the truth of who she is, a lessening or hiding of that women's true self.
i found today as i had time to work and reflect on thing that i have been hiding and questioning the truth of my beauty and desirability...that the broken part of my heart feels that in the absence of attention and a man in my life holds the reality that i fear most, that i am not enough. which is complete crap...but tell that to the wormy part of my rebellion heart, just because something didn't work out into the type of relationship or image i had for it does not mean that i am not enough...does not mean that i am not sexy or intelligent or beautiful or desirable enough...what it means is that there is another relationship which is better suited for the unique beauty that is me...there is another man who is better matched, who needs me and i need. in the absence of each of us from the other's life is an absence from the needs of the world and the works of restoration and hope. where this man is i have no idea and i'm pretty sure he is in the same boat. so all i can do is keep moving forward and hope that the man that seems like a mythical figment of my imagination right now continues to hope and move forward as well.