Tuesday, August 30, 2011

haunted...

the music is inescapable...this rare sound which sticks like glue to my head and heart. i am unable to pull away...this pile of albums the only tonality that makes sense right now. even when i walk away turning to the randomness of shuffle...the wanton drums call me back to a perpetual sirens' call. i hear God speaking, see the light and darkness battling in the rhythms in the lyrics in the band in their fans...the unique swirling of worlds coming together and crashing away. the gifts i have been given shine brightly in the light of this art, this heartache and beauty. twelve years of angry and tears and calling out to God- Christ, mother, father, spirit. the high of life and the shattering of loss is bound up like paints mingling on my canvas. and so many echos of my life live in these songs created by others. my lovers past and future are held in a name and a cord. i do not want to be one of the crowd i need light and air mixing with the awareness of dark. i need to go back to two hotel rooms and speak my heart and mind. i need to reclaim the years wasted on those unworthy of my earth-mother beauty...i need to learn my guitar to play it like a lover so i will not be at the mercy of others to create. i want to feel or not feel this much...it's so cloudy here i don't know which is more true. i want something to charge my system, miracles, tattoo, lover, surprise...

then i wonder... i just an addict drawn in by the high? a junkie seeking her next fix or a mystic and traveler seeking truth and love and life? what i do not want to be is one who trades in addictions and need...i want to be unfettered by need but bound by love. dreaming of one day when i will be enough to not be forgotten to be seen again and not disregard or passed over in time. i want to be artist and muse and lover and servant to find God in the arms of another and outside those arms. how did i come to this place with these songs and these ideas and these people? how did i end up standing half in and half out, my heart wanting in and wanting to run away as fast as i can to say "piss off i didn't want to play anyhow" but also in the same breath crying "but i am worthy being here...i have so much to give" i feel all those childhood emotions of wanting to be loved and accepted so badly...and yet the anger that comes when i would get rejected. all i wanted....all i want is to be seen, to be good enough to play, to be mysterious and memorable someone for whom one cannot walk away.

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