Monday, August 29, 2011

ranting....

a white hot rage floods my brain, the anger of so many things unsaid and thoughts just simmering in the mind. i want to cry and break plates, shatter glasses and throw paint...the psychotic generational chaos sits like a wanton angel in the corners of my mind. the threat of mental instability quickens my heart shooting tremors of fear through potentially tainted veins. once again to young and alone to deal with all of these grown up things, being asked to make decisions beyond my experiences and pay grade. doubt and fear are playing craps in the alley with self destruction, each cackling over what they will do with my lucky won soul. hope and promise step in ruining their fun...yet anger still sits like a bird on my chest. she shoots blues and white phoenix feathers in all directions...she calls me to create to write to do something so that i will not burst in to flames or let the chaos of the mind-fuck so often called my brain take that last wild ride over the edge into utter madness.

names runs through my head like participants in a half marathon, i offer them each what they ask for slowly slicing away at myself. this morning i had a conversation with my father, which with the right shifting of words and addition of expletives was similar to one i had with someone else a month ago. it totally freaked me out of my skin...the connection between these two men being way to close for comfort. school is out, relationships are over, and the wild hidden confusion has come back in waves. doubt, fear, the desire to destroy everything and run away is chomping at my bit...i'm getting better at it but this living in tension is a bitch. i need to find means and ways to cope with things to work my way back to reality. with three deep breaths i release the evil birds for a while....

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