Monday, August 08, 2011

something tells me this isn't right sir

today was about ownership and responsibility. God kept telling me something and i wasn't listening...until i saw a half hidden pink bath robe and it all became so very clear. well maybe not clear but things that seemed off and kept adding up funny fell into a kind of place. i don't know yet if i am right in my conclusion but part of me doesn't really care that much. with a cigarette and cool night air my brain says "no" and my heart's decided to go off line for a while, no that's not right rather it's hiding back in the castle waiting for the prince instead of standing with the gates wide open.

i think i have a bad picker, i can't seem to get relationships right. as part of growth and entering into my full humanity i need to own that. when sweetness and kindness and other lovely things came in i didn't receive them. then oddity and abuse enters and i'm like great let's go, until someone pulls me off the ride and show me my ravaged features from a week of play. so i don't like that ride i think. and then another one appears and it seems like the goodness and kindness and  the whatnot that i am looking for yet it has skeletons hidden and unlike the first ride they are harder to spot. but again i spot them and get off. this time i find that singleness, becoming a nun may not be such a bad thing. everyone else around me is able to do this  relationship thing and make it work. i can't, so since i can't seem to get the ride right i'm not gonna play...."i'm taking my toys and heading home" for now i am letting go of dreams and desires for love and marriage or even a decent boyfriend. my mistrust level has hit over load, i take ownership of the things i can't control and the things i can and with all of this in mind i say i'm outta here.

maybe tomorrow i will want to play...maybe tomorrow someone who is healthy and doesn't lie will walk in the door but for now i think i have to leave the party and the pool and the bar. i need to sit in a field and figure out why i am where i am at....the goodness of theses experiences and fairground rides is that i am trusting my gut and listening to myself and those around me who love me....i especially treasure those who love me.

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