Monday, August 08, 2011

tantrum

everything feels prickly and i am tired and want to rage like a three year old. i want to throw a damned tantrum and yell things like "this is stupid" and "i hate this" and "MOMMY", stamp my feet, hit things and throw stuffed animals and fall on a wet heap on my bed tired and spent. mostly i just want to crawl in a corner and run away from the world. i'm not scared so much as jaded and disturbed....what the f says my logical sense how could this happen and why did you let it? anger is bubbling just below the surface.
does my anger come from hurt, feeling like a fool, or from knowing someone else is right...and if the latter why? is it a control issue? i don't like to not know things i don't like to be treated like i don't know things. does the not knowing make me feel like a child and foolish?

my brain runs in mobius strip like circles around and around searching for answers and just wanting out. the anger sits on my chest like a cat...moving up and down with my breath. i don't want to be responsible i don't want to have to fix things i just want it now says my heart....because i am scared, terrified really that this emptiness and disassociation is as close as i will get to the heart of want i want. maybe i am just broken and not meant for this treasured desire that i have guarded and wanted for so many many years. i want tears to come but only the craving for destruction. i feel like the idiot on display here for everyone's amusement... well at least she has interesting stories, they are heartbreaking when you really listen but funny if you miss that. oh well right i laugh it off as i sit in my fears.

i need change i need GOD i need hope long lost....

1 comment:

Nette said...

It is totally reasonable to feel like this. And as I read your beginning paragraph, I hear my own words of just last week and written in my journal resounding back to me. Sometimes it would be nice to just go ahead and stomp, cry, throw, scream and weep the frustration and unfairness of it all..... everything and anything. Simply put it is not fair! And no explanation is good enough to hear....nor do they change the experiences or facts. I will not laugh at you nor will I pity you but I will feel with you and say "Go ahead..... throw that banana (or whatever)at the wall!