Wednesday, September 28, 2011

clouded heart

dead animals scattered the road today, the first folded up like a a peaceful toy. as the grey clouds rolled in across los angeles my heart shifted to a rain-clouded state. words, emotions, and heartbreak broke forth like a cracked bottle of blue ink. pain welled up inside as i was shocked through with the real presence of a friend's reality. even the beauty of my fair city at night from a sacred hill could not starve off the growing despair and loneliness. i drove through streets and neighbourhood that usually make my heart sing with joy but tonight only exacerbated the longing as yet unfulfilled.

the losses mounted heavy war and the dark and demon voices threw sucker-punched attacks. for a fleeting moment through a screen door an image of my friend offered a respite from the brewing storm. with a backward glance i saw him studiously at work and it swelled the fickle organ with joy. but that quickly evaporated into smoke as the darken cloud cover returned for the night. the words of the preacher...meaningless, meaningless it is all chasing after the wind. sit in the deep corners of my mind being rolled back and forth and back again like a philosophical game of ball.  

Monday, September 26, 2011

desert dreams burnt and faded

in the clear sky and the wind blown street i left the restorative desert for home and the adventures that await. this weekend offered opportunity for rest and shifting perspectives. the rugged stillness of the dusty street in pioneertown was exactly what my heart needed to get ready for the mad dash of shooting and school and whatever else may come rushing in.

music is a conduit for many aspects of life in my world so the ability to listen to great music for the whole of a weekend in a strangely beautiful and rustic space was incredible. especially the chance to see the black ryder play again...they are one of the bands that i could watch for hours. the music transports me to such a happy and grounded space of mystery and creativity. there is something about watching people create that inspires one to continue their own creative process. the fluidity of this band (along with BRMC, the Weepies, Bon Iver, & a few others) always makes my heart ache to collaborate with others.

this upcoming week is a mad dash of school starting again, a music video shoot and both of my brothers and sister in law being here. it is monday morning and i already feel rushed and divided. as i sat in the bathroom at work filling up water balloons for two ten year old's to have a fight in the cool 73 degree and cloudy weather of los angeles i realized that i would rather be filling up balloons for a video shoot or being lackey on a film but also that the skills that apply for this position oddly translate to the field i really desire to work in.

over the last few days a possibility of moving into the video/film field has come about, the chance to be mentored and learn from a woman who's art i am always in awe of. if this happens i will be so incredibly happy! like others i know it's a hard thing to hold on to the step by step process of entering a vision that is yet to be fully seen. but that is part of the process in these things...hope in things unseen and faith in the visions and prophesies given.


Friday, September 23, 2011

now i know and knowing is half the battle (NFTPL #59)

over the last several months and days and weeks i have been in a process of trying to figure out what i am doing and what i want to be doing. i'm in school that's a given, especially since i don't want to be spending all this money and not get a degree out of the deal. when i originally moved down to los angeles and thought about school my goal was to get a phd and teach. yet because of several experiences and conversations as of late i realize more and more how much the phd track really isn't for me right now. what i want is to actually create things, not to just talk about art but really work in the music and film industries.

for much of my life i have felt like a child standing on the other side of a glass window watching as everyone else moves into life and being...and i'm stuck just watching and wanting to play. when the madness sets in that is still how i feel, that i will never get in the club house per say and rather will spend the rest of my days standing on the outside of life looking in. i have always felt like i am ages behind everyone else in the game and can't image getting close to catching up. as someone who is absolutely non competitive this fear or impression usually is what makes me walk away and the seeming impossibility of it all. yet if i don't want to waste my talents or life this cannot be my response. instead i need to grab the proverbial bull by the horns and hold on until i receive entrance and blessing into the places i feel calling and draw. i need to embrace and step into my wild bold side, the part of me that can walk in and take a room by storm inspiring and encouraging others to create greatness together. whatever has happened in the past be it two months ago or ten years no longer get's to define how i play in this moment here and now.  so i try my damnedest to step out into boldness and risk failure and f**king up for the chance to be successful, answer my heart's calling and trust that God is good. not such a bad thing all in all.

visions of the wilderness

a quick hour and a half drive on the 10 freeway leads to a rustically beautiful place called the desert. this is a place of coyotes, snakes, cactus, and westerns. it is a place that on first glance seems barren and empty yet is teeming with life and beauty. there is magic in this space, greatness has passed here before me and will once again come a calling.

sitting in the passenger seat i was privy to the haunting mountains of southern california where my aunt and uncle live, the sky pure blue filled with clouds and light, and the huge windmills that create natural energy and stand like guardians against the sky. it is a place where one can get lost in the vastness and nature, turn a corner and find God or a devil standing on a rock offering life or death. as i drank in the landscape images and stories rushed in my head. whole moving pictures aided by the soundtrack of a favored band.

for the last ten years or so i have been hearing stories about pioneertown. maybe it was counting crows talking about being here for a blues/blue grass festival, then graham parsons and his death in joshua tree, u2's album art, pappy & harriet's...and this constant desire to spend a weekend in the desert with musicians and artists  drinking wine and talking about the great questions of life. laughter, joy, creative expression and community of like minded people is always a wonderful dream for me. and now at least part of that dream awaits me this weekend. something incredible will come out of this experience i know.

in the midst of the darkness i will embrace light and beauty and creativity and *hopefully* meet new friends and connect with those already known. tonight i plan on drinking a bit, imbibing haunting and beautiful music and staring up into a star filled night sky!

Thursday, September 22, 2011

grey clouded days

Suffering from depression sucks. It comes and goes like tidal waves threatening each time to consume me. What is the worst part about it is that I can't pull myself out of the chaos. I know that it's missed brain fires and false illusions but in the moments the "bad voices" are so real and tangible. Where as the voices of goodness and encouragement are fleeting and ghost like entities.

While I do not become completely nonfunctional when the waves hit, depression slows down my momentum and leaves my head and heart and soul in such a space of shattered holding together that simple tasks seem to fill impossible weight. Caught in this state I often find myself begging God and the universe, wondering if I am even capable of joy and happiness. Would love, creating art, or the birth of a child really be a moment of life giving space or would it quickly become something filled with dread. More than anything in these times of dark shadowed Eeyore days I want to get out of the over thinking and the pain to run towards simplicity and joy. The goodness of life is often what seems so impossible on a cloud shadowed day. I know people who ooze with life and relish life, their sincere pleasure seeps out like a perfume and permeates the spaces they enter. Yet so far I have been unable to tap into that kind of grounding and sense of self.

I feel the need for something outside of myself to jolt the life back into me so that I can stop wasting time and get on with the life I have been given and live. Because living with a hovering cloud of darkness is just not the way I want to be. Maybe therapy, maybe drugs (legal ones of course), maybe just spending time each morning being thankful. I don't know the solution or the re-orientation just that I need one badly.


Wednesday, September 21, 2011

inspiration

Tonight I got to see Bon Iver play at the Gibson theatre. And it was incredible, artistically it was so lovely to watch a band create the layered and haunting sounds that fill the three albums. The bigger rendition of Blood Bank blew my mind and filled my head with powerful images. What was most impressive was watching how songs that were written and played by one person but filled with layer upon layer on an album could be recreated with such a solid sound by such talented multi-instrumentalist who also provided such perfect background harmonies. 

Yet beyond the just mesmerizing beauty of this performance and the chance to hang out with a friend, the most powerful aspect of the show for me was that it helped pull me out of the fog and chaos that has been filling my days as of late. For the last three days at least I have felt weighted down by doubts, insecurities, and seeming impossibilities. Randomly for no reason a wellspring of tears burst forth as I drove through Pasadena and Silverlake. My stupid brain has been in regret mode turning memories, people and dreams over and over and over again and then whipping my tender heart with them. It's been a brutal of things. So it was that mental space that I drove to meet up with friends to go to the concert this evening. Honestly I had a moment of contemplating whether or not I even wanted to go at all. It took a while to get there and get in because we had to wait for one of the people in our party to show up. Yet once the music started it began to shift the dark and cornered parts of me. As I looked at Justin Vernon on the stage, I was reminded of the state he was in when he wrote what would become the first Bon Iver album "For Emma, Forever ago" pretty much everything in his life was falling apart. And from that came beauty, creation and the chance to do what he loved. This reminder brought a sense of hope for me, in spite of how impossible and stupidly incompetent I feel these days and how much the dark voices scream failure I can move forward. There is something to all of this desire and seedlings of talent and the experiences I carry. Some how they will be worked into something beautiful and meaningful. I was not created to just stand on the sidelines and pine away at the store window. Rather God is working and moving and I need to take the steps in front of me and follow the path that leads to my heart.

Monday, September 19, 2011

always i search for the answers to questions i didn't dare speak. in the face of your current apathy they rise up along with the overwhelming desire to do something, anything to catch your attention again. this game of my childhood is no longer fun anymore...the searching and crawling and waiting for your damned light and grace to once again shadow my face and throw kernels of affection. those crumbs that are suppose to tide me over the long dry season of your absence. but like any trail of crumbs they fail to satisfy the aches, the needs and the ravenous hunger pains. i need, i want, i hope for something more. a career, a love, a space where i no longer have to prove my worthiness for the affection of another. but it all feels like the inarticulate tears that spring from my eyes today, the dull pain in my chest that i can't seem to understand or name. this tough and tender girl is feeling weighted down by so many treasured desires and wants that she can't name.


Sunday, September 18, 2011

musings (NFTPL # random insert)

the wild dogs are howling in the street outside my window. their mournful cries echo my quandary state. these happy days of celebration always send me into a tailspin of introspection. the desire to play princess seems so very foreign to me like a letter written in chinese. some part of my swissed cheesed brain knows that i should be able to read and decipher the text but for whatever reason nothing wants to play. weddings and babies and traditional life...the ability to have a relationship for longer than two months. these are simple things that seem utterly impossible in the day to day life i live.

wandering seeker, i never seem to feel satisfied. there is always something missing or need just beyond the horizon. there are moments when i wonder if my ever present wanderlust could ever be filled enough to not need another hit of the exciting and dramatically thrilling. even when still and present, i have a overwhelming sense of movement. exteriorlly i know i seem stable and grounded a rock rooted and weighted, yet there burns this steady white hot fire deep with in the core of my being. traveling, moving, exploring, always watchful for the new and the need to create more experience more become more know more. and the dogs are calling. they speak a language i have yet to understand. they call my animal heart to remember and trust and find what's true

markings and memories

words fail and i think of your fingers. the memories of ghosts flutter through my brain like the birds overhead. crows and images arrest my mind in a momentary pause, then comes the flood of things locked away for safe keeping. these little daydreams aren't much in the way of grand hopes more like little prayer papers being burned and sent up into the sky. art and coffee and the occasional cigarette help to turn my mind around. removing the traces of you by putting things back to where they belong helps too.

it impossible to escape any relationship unmarked. no matter how good or bad there is always a scar or tattoo left there for posterity sake. while one of my many "yous" has been gone for ages,  dates and phrases are inescapably seared into my sponge like head. with each face and heart i look for the one who is well shaped to my unique contours. a lover who will not get board (as many do) understanding the depths of my hidden light and darkness. the control freak and the wild hippy child that somehow comes together in one being. the earth goddess nature mamma who love to be pampered. the christian who is intrigued by myth and rituals and religions. the sceptic who can't help but believe. with each person i hope beyond hope that this one holds the glass slipper. that the fit will be right and true. until then i am stalked by the visions of lovers past and the hope of someone new.

Saturday, September 17, 2011

tears for a lost love

cloudy morning, overcast sky in the city of sunshine and glitter.
your perpetual heartbreak and sorrow flies across the invisible cords of binding and stabs my soft spot spaces. the ache that comes with the words of truth...i can't fix it for you none one can but you, they are painfully true. my deepest fear is that people keep feeding that darkness and ego bird buried inside your tender and barely held together heart. just enough bits so that you are sustained and don't have to face the darkness night of the soul or rather bright light of the day in your case. so you never venture out to the place of healing and life. sitting as spectator with my insignificant bottle of love i watch as your consorts continue to drag you down the pit of never to return with their flattered and blinded complementary lies. with each offering of love to quench your dire thirst i hope a truer deeper reality is revealed. but alas as appearing now i find my kernel of hope is misplaced and dreary. for you crave the highs and lows and self constructed pain and joy like an addict on the ride of his life. you need there to be so much vibrance these days to feel something to touch something that feels alive through the numbed out days that few if any can reach through. i dreamed a vision months ago on a long dark drive through the canyons....i was touching you, feeling your heart beat against my tender exploring hands, you kissed me and then frozen. nothing i could do would shake your statued state away. you were in an instant gone and tears flooded my gaze. that prophetic vision is what i pray to be ended each night and day. no longer should you be bound to the dark worm of yesterdays. 

Thursday, September 15, 2011

changeling children of addictions hold

chaos swirls around as the changelings run in and out of the room. simplicity and strait forwardness are missing in this equation. yes i like drama and excitement says lady alice but not this much..how did i end up falling down this hole? does vibrance and creativity always have to be bound to a little bottle or a pill. i'm seeking adventures that don't have to be encased in the hazy of acid visions and terminal days. my heart is swilled and swirled with love and the thunder clouds threaten heartbreak in their cries. i don't want to loose the beauty just the hatred.

chasing white rabbits we all fall down a hole...some like humpty dumpty to never come back again. please don't become the shadowed one's, the friends we raise a glass to with shotgunned holes to stark and wide to ever truly be filled again. saint michael visites less and less and wide-eyed hope has taken a few arrows now. i want your creatured hearts to choose the good and not the needles darkened calling. we're all shattered bit's of beauty, flawed but chosen creations....there is nothing between you and restoration except for you, yourselves.

all these years it's been falling through the looking glass. standing outside as those i love wander into the cold-hearted arms of faithless lovers. we both want to see each other's face in the crowd for years to come...the children of a different cord. yet we must not be taken by the siren birds of death for that to be the way.




shameless self promotion

a quick note for those wanting our production company website or the interview with scott von ryper which i helped with...will actually write more soon.

production company= www.31stepsproductions.com

interview= www.blackrebelmotorcycleclub.com/askian (you have to go down to older posts i think it is the fifth post down not entirely sure)


that's it for now unless you're a band that has children (or drunks or whomever who need a bit of help) that need to be watched and corralled on tour or you would like a music video/interview hit me up. i'm a great sherpa and have amassed a odd but helpful skill-set that could be very useful on the road.


that it for now!

* and very soon we should have the video we shot in march and the interview with one of the artists we are currently working with up online for people to see.


Monday, September 12, 2011

a few good things

here are some of my current favorite listings....top five, desert island, bunker what-have-you listings of books music and movies



books~
*walking on water by madelenine l'engle- ever since the first time i read this book in college many years ago i try to re-read it at least once a year. i LOVE the way madelenine speaks to faith and art, valueing each in the integrity of themselves not trying to force one to serve the purposes of the other.

*2666 by roberto bolano~ my friend paul recommended this book after we had read david foster wallace's infinite jest over the summer for a reading group and i had attempted and gotten half way through thomas pychon's "gravity's rainbow". the book is three interlacing stories that all connect to a fictionalized version of juarez, mexico.

*animal dreams by barbara kingsolver~ i tried several years ago to read the posionwood bible and yet couldn't get through it at all. yet when i picked up this book two summers ago i was floored and enticed by the story. then i was delighted to find that it was on our book list last spring for my theology and lit class.

girl in landscape by jonathan lethem- i found lethem through the musician deb talan of the weepies....she had written a song based on his book "motherless in brooklyn" when i tried to get it from the seattle public library it was check out but this one wasn't. based in part on the story of the john wayne film "the searchers" this book blew my mind and i was caught. i really love everything i have read by this man with the exception of "as she climbed across the table". "gun, with occational music" is also a great read.

gonzo-which is stories and letters and people writing about their experiences with the late hunter thompson. while i don't agree with the way he died i really enjoy the man's writing and perspective on life. i feel like he had and integrity and hope which many other writers in this genre lacked.

films~


*scott pilgrum vs the world~ it's funny, the cast is great and it's based on a graphic novel!

*shopgirl~ steve martin is incredible all around. i love the book and the film....enough said.

* blue valentine~ the utter heart ache of two people who cannot seem to connect after years together is horrific and beautifully constructed.

* the fall~ lee pace, great story telling, beautiful visuals and epic scope....i just say watch the movie already ok

*monsoon wedding/rachel getting married~ the vibrance of india/the northeast, realistic family dynamics and trying to sort through them, the chaos of weddings, the beauty of people coming together, and music and celebration

albums~

*the whole BRMC catalogue~ i can't get enough of this band, live studio whatever...i'm sold. their version of the true blood theme song is incredible...and live they are hands down the sexiest and most powerful band.

* the black ryder buy the ticket take the ride~ ever since i heard this album i have been mesmerized by the music of aimee nash and scott von ryper...i have gotten to see them play live a few times over the last eight months and am always in awe. in addition i got to help my friend iAN interview scott for the BRMC website and truly enjoyed the chance to chat about art and music with scott. support good music by the album. lastly even if you are totally antiwhistling listen to and watch the video for "sweet come down" scott has the sexiest whistle i have ever heard in my life!

*ryan adams~ heartbreaker and love is hell parts 1 & 2~ ryan adams is incredible...with the band whiskeytown he created beautiful music and as a solo artists he has continued to do so. both of these albums are filled with heart break and love. and his cover of oasis's wonderwall is my absolute favorite version of the song.

*the head and the heart~ this seattle band is wonderful and listening to this album reminds me so much of what i miss about that area. they are uniquely northwest sounding and lovely.

*tv on the radio~ dear science~ can't sing the praise of this band enough. there is so much diversity going on in their music.



so this is the briefest of lists more to come, i think, soon.


Sunday, September 11, 2011

memories of the past and thoughts for the future 9-11

 ten years ago today i woke up to a ringing phone. blurry eyed i stumbled to answer the voice on the other end. it was my roommate's mother who words were "tell erika her father (who worked in the pentagon at the time) is ok and we're at war" that was the start of another world shift. the internal fear and chaos that i had battled since childhood had seeped out of me and flooded my reality on a global scale. all the terrifying possibilities of war and death and instability were suddenly smacking me and the rest of the country in the face.

for months after i walked around the world like a trauma victim waiting for the next event of shattering proportions, the next shoe to drop from the sky. the world was falling apart...people did stupid things in response to the hatred and religious convictions that lead people hijack to those airplanes and crash them into building. soon we were told that the loss of "rights" and "freedoms" would be for our own good that it would protect us from those who sought harm. even in my chaotic and fearful state i realized the bullshit of that line of thinking. both my sliver of christian faith and my understanding of our nation said that neither was worth something without, love and openness towards the other. there is always a possibility of harm when one loves and offers shelter. freedom is always the risk that you will be harmed. yet to not live freely, to violate the privacy and lives of people in the name of a protection that cannot ever truly be given is foolish. that does not mean i think one should not be wise and discerning...to be aware and cautious of things that seem like potential threats.

as i learned several years ago in abuse class the gift of fear is a great thing, our bodies and spirits are like the warning signals to our brains saying "no this man's a bastard get out now...or that dark alley will not be safe...or there is something wrong with this car don't get it in" through fear we are awaken to the reality that things are not what they seem. there is also a fear that paralyzes and bind which is not healthy. i recently hear courage described as the act of moving forward even when one is filled with fear (it was on an episode of what not to wear). fear can be a valuable tool if we allow it to be just that a tool. when looking at the world and people we should respond with caution but also openness.

this morning our pastor shared a dialogue with a muslim and talked about how it was important to look at places of commonality instead of difference. to build relationships and bridges because "religion" is institutions that seek to motivate via guilt and shame where as faith is the believe in God that seeks to care and build relationships with others. there is always a diversity of views held by those who follow each religious structure...and therefore we should engage with people to understand what they believe not just make blanket statements about a religion.

these last ten years have been filled with fear and wonder for many of us. the world shifted and we found that even though it was different from how we expected a life could be lived and created. no things are not the same as they were ten years ago. just like the shattering that happened to my family with my mother's car accident, the world and the united states experienced a shattering that changed the total direction in which it was going. what matters most is how we, my family & the united states, choose to engage with what has happened and live life. for some the choice is to look back only to not see the present to only hold a good memory of what was, for others it is the reminder of what is most sacred, and for others it is a reminder to live well with each day and choice one is given.

while i still hold the fear that came with that day and the events, looking back ten years later i see that fear can become courage and that is a wonderful and beautiful thing.

dreamy days

feeling antsy and restless these days. often i get overwhelmed with the desire to hop a plane and create some wild adventure for myself but i have obligations and commitments to fulfill. given the chance i would ride on a tour bus and do whatever was need to travel with a band and see the world from that unique level.  i stare at the half finished painting on my desk, the paint brushes and newly acquired pigments dreaming of new expressions of life. they keys of the computer call me to tell secrets and stories, releasing them into the netherworld of the interweb. my guitar and voice long for the fusion of singing with another in a room. the act of recording and creating music.

but i freeze up, i curl up in my bed and read stories of women seeking love and life. of the messiness of casual heartbreak and the drive that moves one beyond the monotony of the day to day. i live moment to moment and want a wild passion to take control. to fly on waves and surf on the clouds and dance with the angels in the presence of the evil and remain untouched by the darkness. so much of this life of mine has been a waiting, waiting to actually step into life. is sitting here in my room hot and cold covered in the half sided breeze of the airconditioning i wonder how this is vividness. i know i search for the mountain top instead of being content in the valley. i see the greener grass and don't always offer thanks for what i have been offered. yet i still want the dazzling and glittering life of self constructed daydreams. i want more wild nights and unexpected days.

the ocean calls longingly to me, sunset blvd echos her wanton call, the heart beat of the city stirs in my chest and i see a fellow traveler a partner in adventures.

Saturday, September 10, 2011

reading list

while i was reading through blogs tonight i figured i should do a few posts directing whomever is reading this one to other people who i greatly respect and love to read...these are just a few of the women. will do a few more but didn't want to overwhelm the three people who read my musings


Malia James (http://maliajamesjames.tumblr.com/)~ this lady is wonderfully talented and i love what she offers artistically! plus i secretly want to shadow her on a film shoot or two.

Patrice Jackson (http://drowningintheflame.blogspot.com/)~ lovely photographer!

Sarah Jurado (http://www.sarahjurado.com/)~ this lovely band manager and photographer always reminds me of what i love and miss about the northwest and it's indie music scene...

Carson Ellis (http://www.carsonellis.com/blog/) ~ i love the whimsical designs of this lady ever since i got her husband's first album ( the decemeberists)  and her ways of drawing out her son through offering space for him to artistically and uniquely interact with the world...

Shiloh Woodard (http://lifewithincolor.blogspot.com/)~ my best friend and roommate...enough said!


a little story

she sat there wondering "did i matter, or was i a novelty...just a passing fancy"

she had been missing one for whom she never quiet knew where she stood. he seemed often both solid as a rock and fluid as the sea. her own past with men left her uncertain of his words and confused by his actions. yet such was the way of relationships she was learning, clarity was often just a passing fancy. in between him and now there had been a few others. men who made it obvious what they wanted and how they thought of her. these men also happened to be well uninteresting to her boring and unattractive. they certainly couldn't hold a candle to the man she didn't understand. his secrets and being were like a present or treasure that she couldn't help but search for...the others where a purely a place filler a means to release unmet tension from before. she hated that fact but it was a fact none the less. facts kept bubbling up to the surface of her self knowledge truths she had never known before. this man he seemed like a gateway, a gateway drug in ways, his presence in her life opened up whole worlds unexplored. no that wasn't right she has known these things it has just been ages and ages since they were solidly formed in her own life.

she sat with her heart listening to all the angles it feed her for a while and then came the epiphany "just let it and him be what they will be"

and the pondering and wrestling went back in the box for now.


....ramblings...

the moon is almost full, pregnant in the end of her cycle. this is the time where emotions take over and through things all out of whack. you're on my mind's eye seared with full moons, wild nights, and music always music. the "you's" of my various loves and incarnations and haunting me tonight. they sit there in a row as i silently beg the greatness for a new more solid lover. i want but do not need another, i know how to be alone. but togetherness, relationships these are things that are harder for me to grasp. to actually know another person in more ways than one...allowing them to penetrate both body and soul. that my friend is a whole other matter. it seems like the impossible possibility, a mythical creature which is whispered to you by dear friends in cars late at night or dark vampericly lit bars, or over dinner and sisterly conversations. even when it has become a momentary reality it does not seem to feel real. i look at the brightly shot sky and dream of a day when the bed beside me will be filled with a person instead of discarded blankets and pillows is such an oddity now. but that is the way of these things what seems the a mirage suddenly one day is a oasis filled with cool waters.



Friday, September 09, 2011

self sight

so much of these days seems like a treasure hunt. bumbling around i keep searching for where i am called and how to get there. what i mean is that i am trying to figure out my skills and talents and experiences and where they all connect into a vocation. for someone with three degrees working on a fourth i often feel very stupid and very much like a complete failure. i realize in part it's because i can't see my own life as it is to others....unable to distinguish the forest from the trees. for example the final that i turned in a month ago and thought i totally failed, bullshitting most of what i wrote or pulling it out of think air, actually ended up being an "A" final exam. which means that i have a lack of sight when it comes to myself and my abilities, while those around me totally believe in my ability to do something i feel totally incapable of even beginning. 

so maybe this searching that i seem to be doing is less of an external things and more about having a new way of seeing myself. as someone once told me "you have all you need right here it's just your own self that limits it". here is the place where i turn around and change my way of seeing. i begin to open my vision and see myself in the mirrors of others.





Tuesday, September 06, 2011

wrestling with the covers

wrestling with thoughts and ideas and changes leads to rolling and tossing and turning...insomnia returns with the weight of to many things to do and i can't sleep. should be thankful that this is no longer a weekly or monthly occurrence or that at least these days i have the good sense to get up and be productive instead of laying there praying to God for sleep. so it's past 2am and here i sit listening to music and starting at a computer screen. while i pause a moment, two ideas cross my mind first lyrics from the song playing "it's a long, long way down" and second the realization that i moved beyond stuck. instead of stress i chose to get up to hit up contacts and move forward with current projects. with each step i take towards freedom and health i move forward out of the pits and holes i often feel lost in. alice may still follow the white rabbit but she has enough sense to have an escape route this time.



fear is conquered with each step towards what used to paralyze me in my tracks. if i am scare of success i need to keep moving toward desire instead of away from it. embrace the impossibility and believe that it is possible even though i can't see how. hop back on the bike and learn to blaze trails on a motorcycle, jump off cliff and out of planes, be open and trust in the talents and beauty which already are alive in this person.  as i type yawns take over, sleep comes back to play.....


chat leading to a good ass-kicking (NFTPL #58)

i love my dear best friend because she puts up with me in so many ways and is patient with my cycles of emotional chaos.  she also holds up mirrors for me when i am unable to see the reality of my life and reminds me that i am loved and talented.

tonight what started out as a conversation about life became a good kick in the ass for me. the result being that she challenged me to decide what i really want out of life, what i really want to do whether or not she is going down that same path. i am now left to figure out options; like changing programs and schools, getting a new job, working multiple jobs or staying where i am at...there are so many paths once again. well actually they are always there just sometimes it's harder to see them.

 here is a list of things that i do know: i love music especially live music, talking with people/interviewing people about their art, i love being a part of a community of artists who create and support each other, i like making film and the visual medium of images and stories, i love the visualization and emotive properties of film and music, i want to travel, i would love to tour with a band, i want to learn how to shoot film and take better pictures, i do not want to work at a church or any religious institution, i do want to work with artists, i do want to create...the list goes on and on.

so tonight i revel in the fact that i get to figure it all out, not on my own but with the support of people who love me. revel in the reality that i started three paintings today, i am working on two film projects currently, and looking back through my photos from the last year, i realize that i am capable of taking good photographs i just need to practice and learn more.


there are so many wonderful things already present in my life and so many wonderful things waiting to still be birthed. i don't know what the future holds but i do know that i don't want to waste any more time not doing what i love.


Sunday, September 04, 2011

rainstorms

big fat raindrops covering my windshield, the fresh scent of dirt and new rain, lightning streaks across the sky and drum like thunderclaps announcing presence. this was the wonder of tonight's showy spectacle in los angeles. it was the follow up to a pink and golden tinted sunset.

i drove into town with a friend. we sat on a corner of sunset blvd drank coffee, chocolate and talked of relationships and men. i watched the traffic go by peering with vested interest at each motorcycle. the sugar i had imbibed today began it's wormy destructive path, trying to take me out with shrapnel constructed of loss, loneliness and self doubt. the sweet seductions of earlier that day came back to bite me in the ass. so i drove home letting the fat and crystalline rain wash away all the destructiveness and pain. wash away the disappointment and missing that had feed the sugar fix.

the rainstorm was a means of memory, a reminder that i have choice and that my perception is not always what it appears to be. every so often i need to cut ties, to be cleaned of the destruction, to be told that i have tasted just a bit of the beauty which will be offered.

the curtains flutter and waft in the sent of the fall rains, i hold what i have and release what i cannot, placing my hands to my heart i offer up the desires and projects and relationships hidden there and ask for the impossible knowing that the asking is what matters and not the outcome.




measuring sticks




i think one of the hardest things as a person and especially as an artist is to not look at other people's lives and want what you see. reading through things like facebook or even just blogs it's hard not to let the need to compare you life come shattering in. what i mean by shattering is that it is really easy to let the perception of another's life (because really it is all just perception) get in the way of you living YOUR life.

yesterday i had a conversation with my aunt about many things but she asked me what is one of the major "sins" or things that get in the way of me being happy and myself...i said that i under value what is happening in my life because i am comparing myself to others around me. she then wisely asked if i would really want all that comes with the life of another; their problems, insecurities, emotional and spiritual block, and whatever. i thought about my brother who i often compare myself to and realized no i'm good. while it can suck sometimes i really like my life and what it is about....all the various pieces. the only time i don't like it is when i get focused on comparing myself to other people, or my own invisible standard of how it should be/what it should look like...all of which takes time away from actually creating the life that i want to have.

it is so easy to look at others and not see the hardship the struggles. say you have this band that has been playing consistently for ten years and finally they are getting noticed...what's interesting is that often they are pegged as the new it band like they suddenly appeared out of thin air. that is not the reality...for most people who "make it" whatever that means, they have struggled and worked hard and put in sweat and tears and blood to be able to do this thing. vary rarely if ever will things just appear out of thin air...so going back to comparisons, when looking at another person all that is often seen is the end result not the work that it took to reach that end. so instead of looking at others and measuring success by their achievements i need to go out and see what i have already accomplished and continue to work for greater one's for myself.