always i search for the answers to questions i didn't dare speak. in the face of your current apathy they rise up along with the overwhelming desire to do something, anything to catch your attention again. this game of my childhood is no longer fun anymore...the searching and crawling and waiting for your damned light and grace to once again shadow my face and throw kernels of affection. those crumbs that are suppose to tide me over the long dry season of your absence. but like any trail of crumbs they fail to satisfy the aches, the needs and the ravenous hunger pains. i need, i want, i hope for something more. a career, a love, a space where i no longer have to prove my worthiness for the affection of another. but it all feels like the inarticulate tears that spring from my eyes today, the dull pain in my chest that i can't seem to understand or name. this tough and tender girl is feeling weighted down by so many treasured desires and wants that she can't name.