Thursday, September 22, 2011

grey clouded days

Suffering from depression sucks. It comes and goes like tidal waves threatening each time to consume me. What is the worst part about it is that I can't pull myself out of the chaos. I know that it's missed brain fires and false illusions but in the moments the "bad voices" are so real and tangible. Where as the voices of goodness and encouragement are fleeting and ghost like entities.

While I do not become completely nonfunctional when the waves hit, depression slows down my momentum and leaves my head and heart and soul in such a space of shattered holding together that simple tasks seem to fill impossible weight. Caught in this state I often find myself begging God and the universe, wondering if I am even capable of joy and happiness. Would love, creating art, or the birth of a child really be a moment of life giving space or would it quickly become something filled with dread. More than anything in these times of dark shadowed Eeyore days I want to get out of the over thinking and the pain to run towards simplicity and joy. The goodness of life is often what seems so impossible on a cloud shadowed day. I know people who ooze with life and relish life, their sincere pleasure seeps out like a perfume and permeates the spaces they enter. Yet so far I have been unable to tap into that kind of grounding and sense of self.

I feel the need for something outside of myself to jolt the life back into me so that I can stop wasting time and get on with the life I have been given and live. Because living with a hovering cloud of darkness is just not the way I want to be. Maybe therapy, maybe drugs (legal ones of course), maybe just spending time each morning being thankful. I don't know the solution or the re-orientation just that I need one badly.

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