Wednesday, September 21, 2011

inspiration

Tonight I got to see Bon Iver play at the Gibson theatre. And it was incredible, artistically it was so lovely to watch a band create the layered and haunting sounds that fill the three albums. The bigger rendition of Blood Bank blew my mind and filled my head with powerful images. What was most impressive was watching how songs that were written and played by one person but filled with layer upon layer on an album could be recreated with such a solid sound by such talented multi-instrumentalist who also provided such perfect background harmonies. 

Yet beyond the just mesmerizing beauty of this performance and the chance to hang out with a friend, the most powerful aspect of the show for me was that it helped pull me out of the fog and chaos that has been filling my days as of late. For the last three days at least I have felt weighted down by doubts, insecurities, and seeming impossibilities. Randomly for no reason a wellspring of tears burst forth as I drove through Pasadena and Silverlake. My stupid brain has been in regret mode turning memories, people and dreams over and over and over again and then whipping my tender heart with them. It's been a brutal of things. So it was that mental space that I drove to meet up with friends to go to the concert this evening. Honestly I had a moment of contemplating whether or not I even wanted to go at all. It took a while to get there and get in because we had to wait for one of the people in our party to show up. Yet once the music started it began to shift the dark and cornered parts of me. As I looked at Justin Vernon on the stage, I was reminded of the state he was in when he wrote what would become the first Bon Iver album "For Emma, Forever ago" pretty much everything in his life was falling apart. And from that came beauty, creation and the chance to do what he loved. This reminder brought a sense of hope for me, in spite of how impossible and stupidly incompetent I feel these days and how much the dark voices scream failure I can move forward. There is something to all of this desire and seedlings of talent and the experiences I carry. Some how they will be worked into something beautiful and meaningful. I was not created to just stand on the sidelines and pine away at the store window. Rather God is working and moving and I need to take the steps in front of me and follow the path that leads to my heart.

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