Friday, September 23, 2011

now i know and knowing is half the battle (NFTPL #59)

over the last several months and days and weeks i have been in a process of trying to figure out what i am doing and what i want to be doing. i'm in school that's a given, especially since i don't want to be spending all this money and not get a degree out of the deal. when i originally moved down to los angeles and thought about school my goal was to get a phd and teach. yet because of several experiences and conversations as of late i realize more and more how much the phd track really isn't for me right now. what i want is to actually create things, not to just talk about art but really work in the music and film industries.

for much of my life i have felt like a child standing on the other side of a glass window watching as everyone else moves into life and being...and i'm stuck just watching and wanting to play. when the madness sets in that is still how i feel, that i will never get in the club house per say and rather will spend the rest of my days standing on the outside of life looking in. i have always felt like i am ages behind everyone else in the game and can't image getting close to catching up. as someone who is absolutely non competitive this fear or impression usually is what makes me walk away and the seeming impossibility of it all. yet if i don't want to waste my talents or life this cannot be my response. instead i need to grab the proverbial bull by the horns and hold on until i receive entrance and blessing into the places i feel calling and draw. i need to embrace and step into my wild bold side, the part of me that can walk in and take a room by storm inspiring and encouraging others to create greatness together. whatever has happened in the past be it two months ago or ten years no longer get's to define how i play in this moment here and now.  so i try my damnedest to step out into boldness and risk failure and f**king up for the chance to be successful, answer my heart's calling and trust that God is good. not such a bad thing all in all.

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