so much of these days seems like a treasure hunt. bumbling around i keep searching for where i am called and how to get there. what i mean is that i am trying to figure out my skills and talents and experiences and where they all connect into a vocation. for someone with three degrees working on a fourth i often feel very stupid and very much like a complete failure. i realize in part it's because i can't see my own life as it is to others....unable to distinguish the forest from the trees. for example the final that i turned in a month ago and thought i totally failed, bullshitting most of what i wrote or pulling it out of think air, actually ended up being an "A" final exam. which means that i have a lack of sight when it comes to myself and my abilities, while those around me totally believe in my ability to do something i feel totally incapable of even beginning.
so maybe this searching that i seem to be doing is less of an external things and more about having a new way of seeing myself. as someone once told me "you have all you need right here it's just your own self that limits it". here is the place where i turn around and change my way of seeing. i begin to open my vision and see myself in the mirrors of others.