Tuesday, November 08, 2011

tension and neurosis

i seem to have this pesky habit of getting completely irrational and neurotic when something good presents it's self in my life. suddenly i doubt everything especially that good and think that everyone involved dislikes me and that i am capable of completely fucking everything up. i also get this over whelming desire to run far away in the other direction...because fear has gotten it's sticky fingers locked on my heart.

so with the flood of goodness that has show up over the last few months this has become a near present reality in my brain. after every positive experience or interaction i over analyze every comment and nuance and only see the negative or off moments. in the moment i can trust the truth of the situation but after that truth high tails it out of town leaving me with chaotic brain. so i battle for the truth, i tear my finger off the doubts and trust in the fact that i am not where i am based on my own merit. rather i am here because opportunity and doors opened and i was willing to walk through them. each moment is a battle of wills but so far neurosis has lost most of the battles and the tension has spurred me to keep moving forward.

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