Thursday, February 02, 2012

chaotic musings on fence riding

My words fail and emotional responses kick in maybe I am overly tired from the week behind and ahead of me...who knows. What I do know is this my guts are wrenched and my heart cried out to the Creator in anguish. I was once told that my empathy was like a pot left on to boil covered for way to long. So when it finally comes it's like flash floods and tsunamis washing away all below. But that is me. I feel deeply, I connect with my heart and ache on behalf of others.

How can I tell you that the readings and concrete truths with which I was raised no longer make sense to me? That if I saw the way out I might just be what some would call a heretic...but I keep holding on to the robes and attempt to break away all at the same time. Moving into contemplation I realize that I trust God, in spite of all the years I believed in God's infinite capacity to love all except me, and God's love but I do not always trust those who act as messengers of God. I sit on this fence and think about all the various ropes that are pulling across me. Even my wants seem to be polar opposites of themselves and I want so badly for someone to come along and play the hand for me. Yet ironically when one tries to I pull the cards out of their hand screaming "NO you're playing it wrong...give them to me".  So here I sit caught between desires and wants and truths and needs unable to see the forrest from the trees...I guess I'll take a seat and look at the stars for a while beseeching the universe or God for something like clarity.

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