Saturday, February 11, 2012

crumbs

the crumbs that you throw out those little tidbits meant to keep me at your beck and call but never satisfied not longer work. i feel used and abused way more than i ever would have when sex is involved. everything in me on every plane of existence wants to take it all back....to just be removed from the whole fucking equation. this game this thing this being this living sucks! i feel to much that each mounting emotion or clarity or what-have-you is nothing more than a new form of torture. desire, love, hope, dreams, faith they were never meant to be tools of destruction and yet here they are piercing my heart five ways to sunday.

everything good and true feels like a lie, i can't find faith but i can't find my way out. limbo i am always here on the fence...if i could just remove myself my mind my heart something i could be happy right....if i could stop seeing the falseness or just let go of the need for experience then i could find balance. but i can't i want to explore and i see all the traps. the tears are like a bottomless wellspring and i want so badly for something anything that feels alive and more real. in the flood of it all i dared God, i asked for a miracle instead of tangible crumbs...i need a burning bush, a parting of the red sea, a vision and manna all at once. i screamed can't you see me dying here....if this is all it is then end it, remove me, just complete the damned shattering and call it good. my arms, heart and mind can't hold any more unrealized hope or untethered dreams. i am so solidly locked into a fun house mirror view that anything short of Christ's presence or a impossible dreams manifestation is ineffective.

forget it i say it's just the tired the crazy and here i go to bed..

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