Sunday, February 05, 2012

i can not begin to say the things that are sitting on my heart...words fail to convey the depth and impact of these emotions. nothing feels quite right in the ability to relay the swirling cocktail that has drenched my mind. an alcohol soaked brain would be better than what i seem to have to work with tonight.

the tears sit just at the back of the room waiting for the slight crack that will allow for their escape. i clamp the mouth shut so afraid to speak lest i say something that has no foundation in truth instead just the emotional excess of this bout with hormones. how did i go from movement to crazy town in a manner of weeks. where did jealousy and anger and desire come from when i clearly locked them out of the room.

i need a wild drunken night, a pot filled haze something to erase what is too close to my heart. but no that will not do so i paste the smile on, shove the contempt deeper down in my heart, make jokes about the fact that only losers and married men find anything about me compelling and run away under my books and work and stress.

and in soft and fleeting midnight breaths i accept that i have fallen in love again with a man who is incapable of loving me back. down the wrong rabbit hole i have fallen unable to see the fun one from the one filled with spikes and old wounds revisited.

so comes the crazy because falling in love sucks and falling in love with someone who can't love you really sucks but what sucks most is realizing that you should have been able to avoid this particular fall and yet you didn't and don't and will fall again and again until something changes.

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