Wednesday, March 28, 2012

saying good bye

letting go of an idea of you is so much harder than having to let go of you. when it's all shattered and broken and beyond the point of repair i ache and hurt and throw things at the wall. in that "you" are gone for good allowing space for another to come in after the process of repair. but that isn't always how things work...sometimes we just change the context of our relationship. this makes those tender moments when your image comes flying at me through the face in a car window or a song on the radio harder to bear, because you are still here never lost just moved.  it's a slower healing time because there is no rage just the slow steady stream of my romantic love for you flowing into a river of friendship and platonic care. that wanting is so hard to let go the memories of long ago nights where we laid side by side sharing our secret hopes and heart with images of a now lost future. as i clean out thing shaking off the dust and moldy corrosion, i come across your words in letters and notes and pictures of made in another time and space. for a brief moment i loose my breath and feel tears of loss welling up inside. then a new lover touches my arm and i am released. so to what we once were for a moment or a life-time i say good bye...

Sunday, March 25, 2012

rainy night reflections

the rain softly falling outside is a distant echo of long forgotten home. that soothing sound of late nights and  grey clouded dreams. the wonderful pitter patter as you sit sheltered in a dark car sharing stories, insights and dreams as the windows slowly fog. yet tomorrow it will be all gone the sun in her wonder will dry up all the remnant soaking this much needed moisture into her golden skin. it's nights like these that lead me to crave the absence of a you. they warp my brain leading to convoluted images that turn one thing into another entirely. i ask for what i cannot have and hope that someday that which is lost will return. the rain enters my bones and soaks deep into my skin recalling the water people i come from the land of dark skys and folky music and oceanviews. the perfected cup of coffee with that hint of depression hanging over, i traded what i had in the north for tangible promises in the south....but every so often the rain comes to recall those former days.

Saturday, March 24, 2012

i don't even know what i want right tired and punchy. the need to destroy everything and irrevocably hurt both of us stands at the front of my mind. you stand as icon for every bastard and previous heart ache starting with my father, the man you oddly resemble. my fingers run back and forth toying with the button i know leads to our mutual destruction. in this moment i don't care about the casualties or effects of that push just my damned faith that i would finally be released from that wormy needy part of myself that clings on to the idea of you. instead of walking away, i sit for hours fixated on way to go KABOOM! i want to feel something more, i am addicted to the pain i know you will bring and i crave it for the darkest drug it is. i want it, i want you because this is all so shattered i will not be responsible if more is broken. guilt will not wrap it's arms around my throat because there it was a total mess before i got here.

lost in my mind

i dream of a day when i am no longer bound to all the bullshit in my head. when visions are clear and i can choose the good over the need to be seen in a certain light. one day i will embrace the gift with out critiquing what is wrong and right. but that time isn't now. hatred, doubt and insecurity plague me by the hour. demonic voices hold the broken fun house mirrors and tell me stories laced with lies. i see beauty in the shattered and fear in the tender hearted and my mind run circles of crazy. the broken spaces scream out for restitution as the image consultants throw them in the back closet and hide. i run through the tall grass and tired trees looking for chemical means of escape. your image and presence are the gun and the bottle. you are the bullet in this mental game of russian roulette. click, click, click two steps away from sanity am i. should have ran naked through the streets ages ago so that now in my old age i wouldn't feel the need or loss of youthful expression. the ache and subsequent need to numb is so great i willingly take anyone into myself just to calm the burning for a while. i would chase you down and implode our world if i could.

Saturday, March 17, 2012


Iconic, memorable, unforgettable....

words that my heart wishes and secretly hopes could be mine.

she wants the power of presence to walk into the room and undo people. to be wanted and pedestaled and desired even as she tries to hide away.

yet she can't see herself in the marilyn's, madonna's and she sees only the servant, the easily forgettable tumblely friend...the motherly creature whom everyone thinks should just raise the children.

her dark and earthy sexuality still it seems is hidden beneath the ground waiting for someone to come again and discover this treasure but none do.

i want to feel like my strength and desirability is at the beck and call of those who have eyes to see it but that it shouts it's presence in to the crowd and silence takes over the madness.

i want to be that woman you can never get over because she was the one you wanted so badly....

late night convolution meant for a former lover

 I need night alone again in a room without your fear of destruction or my fear of expressing desire. I need your hands and mouth traveling the length of my body making every inch of me scream. You in side me and over me. Us molded and mended in tender and wild wanting and fulfillment.  

Don't miss understand me lover, while you have my heart. I am not asking for yours or  nor giving mine away whole. This request does not mean I want marriage or children or something beyond what we have. Rather it is just the request that through the earthiness of our coming together, I might find rest from your haunting of me. 

No, while I do from morning tonight need this haunting of your to stop the chords to be cut. I am neither foolish innocent not love struck blind. I know you sir I know your ways. My request is that you follow through on that promise so long ago made. Sealed by a marking kiss. 

Savior or some time wife I do not wish to be....memorable, seared in your brain, unforgettable and always loved yes but not wife not mother just friend and sometime lover that is all I want for us to be.

Tuesday, March 13, 2012

loving an artist...

I love and hate that which makes you what you moments you are wise and loving and tender and true, but then the beast comes you transform into something other and wicked. your transformation completed in the self absorbed artist who cares not a fig for anyone but him self and his next lay or next fix.

The Jekyll and Hyde wage war in your being, battling for control.  A kind man and a cruel lover both pull me closer and closer to the edge of reason.  You will be the death of me or the inspiration of the greatest art  my soul can hold. Either way I don't know whom you will be from moment to moment and for some godawful reason I can't seem to let go. My affection for you is like some warped version of Jacob's wrestling with the Angel seeking for blessing. A deep river of thought runs through my heart bound to the belief that if I just hold on I will be blessed by your Angel.

So I eat the bitter tasting half promises, the soggy professions of love and care...hoping vainly I'm sure in a lover who will never really care. For I am not words on a page or a screen, neither painting nor canvas (although I would willing offer my body to your creative endeavors), alas neither am I guitar or bass or drums that you can stoke and hit. I am merely woman, lover of your take heart and soul...drinking the drops and swallowing the crumbs that are left in the wake of your magical whirlwinds. 

what you wanted...

It's been a week of surreal moments. Mostly I've been hit between the eyes with the reality that I am actually on a path leading to things that I have wanted in my life for ages. I have a lovely little life...not perfect and not complete yet still missing some key elements but a lovely life none the less. Confidence and growth are happening at rapid rates yet I still come tumbling back down the hill needing to pick up my bucket and try again. It's as if life is simultaneously moving in slow motion and on fast forward, I can't quite seem to get a grasp on things or how to play. In spite of my feelings of insecurity and failure I am finally at a point in my life where what matters most is the continuingness of showing up. What matters more that being right the first time is practice and repetition and letting everyone know you are in for the long haul.

There are still moments when the weight of happiness gets overwhelming and it's all I can do to stand my ground and not actively destroy or run away. But what little grace it is to have the warmth of purpose and love show up and remind me that it takes years and hours to be good let alone great and that I am just learning the steps to this tango. 

Monday, March 12, 2012

Interview with The Black Ryder

Here is the link to the interview I got to do with Aimee Nash and Scott Von Ryper of the Black Ryder

Thursday, March 08, 2012

creatureliness wins

i once believed what i was told. that if i just waited and hoped love would come as good as gold. this i now know is a bold faced has not come no matter how hard i tried. so i settle for the lesser the tangible deed and hope that sex will fill what i need. i am tired and i'm cold i just need to connect, to another broken soul in a moment in a second in a slight lapse of time. you tell me it's not God's will but i can't hear you at all this time...for the fairytale of life and love worked it's magic on your and your eyes can't see what mine have been through. so while you construct the idealized life, i crawl into be with the current man in my life. there is presence and sweetness and transcendence here too, that is all i can muster to say to you.

Friday, March 02, 2012

destroyer love

we melt so easily into you as you melt so easily into us. lust does funny things with the brain turning the strong willed and bold in to simmering messes of giggles and macho inflections. i loose all sense of being when the flood light of sexual attraction shines down on me. desire and wanting the dionysian beverages play tricks with the heart and soul. suddenly kali and parvati mingle into one deadly and beautiful mistress of which few escape without paying heavy fees. persephone lost half her year to the darkness of hades' lair for the prick of cupid's arrows. given the history of the ancient gods it's no wonder we so quickly offer up ourselves to be devoured by each other in the name of sex, love and desire? 

around and around

i keep running in circles broader and broader circles searching for one who can hold my body and heart together as one.

 yet none comes who can stay the journey....there was one once who came close but then he wandered away.

so i find that i am lost and alone in the ways of love. traveling a path without guidance or warmth on those long cold nights.

there are days when i would give almost anything i have for the shelter of another body and heart. offer up all of my dreams just for a few moments of tenderness and met desire.

why have i to wait so long? to sit here by the side of the road...should i dress as ritual whore to fulfill my unmet rights?

the damned fool of a heart wants what it cannot ever have and longs for the touch and momentary connection to exorcise the wanting.  maybe in the oddity of a desert night the ritual will finally culminate and freedom will be found.