i don't even know what i want right now...so tired and punchy. the need to destroy everything and irrevocably hurt both of us stands at the front of my mind. you stand as icon for every bastard and previous heart ache starting with my father, the man you oddly resemble. my fingers run back and forth toying with the button i know leads to our mutual destruction. in this moment i don't care about the casualties or effects of that push just my damned faith that i would finally be released from that wormy needy part of myself that clings on to the idea of you. instead of walking away, i sit for hours fixated on way to go KABOOM! i want to feel something more, i am addicted to the pain i know you will bring and i crave it for the darkest drug it is. i want it, i want you because this is all so shattered i will not be responsible if more is broken. guilt will not wrap it's arms around my throat because there it was a total mess before i got here.